just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize