I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
