i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
