My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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