How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
