apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
