you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
