I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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