Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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