She is in my trunk
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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