foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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