wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
