I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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