I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
