i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
