also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
