I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
