So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
