I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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