I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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