So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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