if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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