my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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