I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
