i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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