I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
