I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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