They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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