about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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