Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
