I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize