No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
