I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
