My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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