and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
