i just had sex bonerless
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
