your parents love me but you hate me
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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