I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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