Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
