My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
