Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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