I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
