I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
