Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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