This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm bleeding and have questions
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
