Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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