the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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