I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
