Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize