Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
