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Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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