I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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