Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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