Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
