Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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