My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
