You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
