he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize