I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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