Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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